Choosing to Do the Hoodoo

I've been thinking a lot over the past two years, mostly to myself, about how much I've been struggling religiously or spiritually, and how much I've been fighting against some inner change. I realize I've been in conflict with myself for pretty much all of the ten years I've been practicing witchcraft, as well as attempting to fit into any number of Pagan traditions. I've researched and gone through motions of Wicca, Druidry, Celtic Recon, Thelema, some eclectic version of Egyptian religion. I kept looking and trying because I was holding so hard onto what had developed into my identity as a religious, Pagan person. I was willing to accept anything in order to be a religious person, but the whole time, I was forcing it. And my lack of progress in these traditions was evident. My identity is changing and I am embracing it, because now I'm really beginning to understand what everyone else is talking about when they say, "It just feels right."

My makeup for opening ritual at last week's Hoodoo Fest to invite in the Ancestors.

I'm no longer a religious person. I don't believe the gods exist as anything other than archetypes. I don't believe in karma, though that's sort of old news. I'm losing faith everyday in the occurrence reincarnation. I no longer view the elements as individual, conscious energies. I'm basically an atheist.

But I still consider myself a spiritual person, because I do hold beliefs in things that aren't directly observable, things that haven't been explained (or accepted) by science. I believe there is a truth to energy manipulation. There is truth in being able to sense and respond to energy that is outside of your own. Energies that belong to the air and the soil and the plants, ponds, rivers, lightning, stones, the moon, animals, the dead. I believe that land spirits are a real thing, they are unique to their own ecosystems, and that we can learn about them by spending time in our environments, paying attention to what we feel when we're there. And I think it's because that I believe in these things that I don't need the religion anymore.

Probably the biggest influence on this personal change entered my life two years ago, when my church began its West Kentucky Hoodoo Rootworker Heritage Festival. Our third consecutive Hoodoo Fest just ended last week and each time I attend, I learn and become even more confident in leaving religion behind to pursue a craft-like approach to spirituality that is rooted in the practices of energy manipulation (magic) and ancestor reverence. And these practices also have a different quality that captivates me more than any others ever have: they're American.

One of the biggest things I've been struggling with for the last decade is that I don't know how to practice something that is so culturally-involved when I myself am not a part of that culture. Yes, my ancestors came from Ireland and England and Prussia, but I didn't. Even having lived in Europe, attending a British school, studying abroad in England, visiting Ireland, hanging out in Germany every weekend, I'm not Irish or English or German. I am American, and before I knew what hoodoo was, it seemed like there was no practice of which that I was ever going to feel truly a part. I might not be a native of the Carolinas or grew up in a household with a grandma who sprinkled brick dust and had superstitions about how to store a broom, but I don't think that matters. Since I've began my own personal research and practice, and since I've been attending hoodoo-focused workshops every year at my church, I've enjoyed success and improvement in my spiritual life that I feel I was always missing out on before. When I dress candles and write petition papers and create sachets, I feel like I'm participating in something that works and enriches my life, rather than something frustrating and discouraging.

I'm even shying away from what I called European witchcraft. There is a feeling of so much freedom in Hoodoo when my materials are just yarn, salt, paper, herbs (among other very easy to find or make ingredients). No need for wands and athamés and censers and grand gestures. Hoodoo is the kind of craft that I can practice sitting on my deck listening to the birds, wrapping string around a little piece of paper. I don't have to be chanting and raising my arms and dancing around an altar at midnight. It's a relief.

And it's also relieving to understand and come to terms with how my beliefs are evolving. I think there's a lot of pressure in the Pagan community to be a polytheist, and to adhere to a karmic worldview, and to never harm anyone or anything, even in self defense. There's a stark dichotomy between "black/dark" and "white" witchcraft that frankly, I hate. It's always been my opinion that overall, Neo-Paganism should draw its spiritual inspiration from nature and it just drives me crazy when Pagans devise all these ethical constructs and fantastic beliefs that have nothing connecting them to the natural world. Hoodoo seems so different in the still early stages of my practice because it is directly connected to the land and the community in which I live. The rainwater I collect comes from my backyard. My petition paper comes from local thrift store packaging that wraps the many jars I also purchase there. The more I learn about this craft, the more I try to use materials that I can walk outside of my house and find right in my yard. I want to personally make my materials as much as I can, like when I made my own Florida Water. Next, I'd like to make my own rose water, and try my hand at my own candles and oils.

Hoodoo to me represents a practice of self-accountability, responsibility, and creativity. It provides so many opportunities for an individual to experience self-growth through trial and error and learning at one's own pace, along with practicing traditional methods. Specifically to me, it allows me to figure out my own ethics and beliefs without the requirement of belief in gods and karma and all the other things that hang me up about other spiritual/religious systems. But it's flexible enough that many practitioners of it (at least most of the people I've met), do approach it from a religious point of view. Some even identify as Christian or at least work the magic within a Christian context, using psalms, calling on Mary and Jesus. It's that flexibility that really makes hoodoo a true craft to me, not just a spiritual activity. From all I've learned and done so far, it's not a meditate-y, prayerful, fluffy bunny, unconditional love and peace type of spirituality. And I need that because nature and life and my own experience are sometimes rarely those things. I need a practice that is grounded in the type of reality that I'm looking at everyday. I don't want a religion or a spirituality for which I have to set time aside, or get into the right (somewhat altered) mindset to participate, or ignore my education as a scientist, or any other ways of removing myself from this world. I'm looking for a spirituality that isn't supernatural, but is still mysterious, with concepts and skills to learn throughout my life.

I believe ultimately that spirituality should be about enriching one's life in the present. I also believe that the enrichment should be driven by oneself, through study, active practice, learning from mistakes and remembering successes for next time. The practice of hoodoo allows these things to happen for the individual, for me, and it's because of that that I don't think I'll be looking back at much of anything else as I move forward. The deeper I go into the study and practice of hoodoo, the farther away these inner conflicts about gods and religion and fitting in with other Neo-Pagans become. This system of American folk magic makes me feel like I know what home is. And home to me is not worshipping deities and drawing down the moon and turning the other cheek until there's nothing left because performing a curse is "wrong." Home is reading and coffee and little red bags filled with lodestones and herbs, enjoying a breeze, sitting with friends, sprinkling salt in the corners of the house, cooking and beer and laughter. Religion or spirituality should not be separated from everyday life, and it just feels right to finally be experiencing them together.

Summer's Arrival

This past Saturday we celebrated Summer's Arrival at my church. Usually in Paganism, summer's decline is actually celebrated at the Solstice (around June 21st), but the Summer Solstice -- also called Litha -- is a huge time for Pagan festivals around the States, so our church instead does a simple celebration in early June. This year was one of the funnest summer celebrations I've ever attended!

First, we dedicated two new altar spaces. Most of our camping and worship area are large fields with full sun, but in one spot, there is a great little island of flowers and trees that provide shade. In this space, we planted two new willow trees, and set up rough drafts for a healing altar and a Buddhist/Pagan peace altar.

Our church has a really long tradition of incorporating healing work into everything that we do. Having an outdoor altar that will be set up every time the land is used is a natural extension. And it's in such a great, shady place. I'm excited to see how it grows. 

Petitions for healing are written on popsicle sticks that are then thrown into a sacred fire.

One of our members has also been working on a Buddhist/Pagan peace altar that honors the goddess Kuan-Yin (she's one of the many Buddhas of the world and is known for her healing powers and compassion). He described "peace" in this instance as a sky that is totally clear, without clouds. It's a deep kind of peace that goes beyond just relaxation or feelings of tranquility. He will be gathering up the contents of the altar as it grows and carrying them to different Pagan events, where it will grow even more. I think it's wonderful that we will have that altar space to connect to the Pagan community and the world in general through the peace of Kuan-Yin.

After dedicating these two new altar spaces, we planted some very young, tiny willow trees as the head of the "island." Willows are a tree that have long been associated with healing, and they're special trees to the church. All of us brought dirt from our yards at home to the church's land and filled in the holes around the saplings with that dirt, symbolizing how we all come together as a community, despite our different backgrounds, locations, origins. Our priestess read a really beautiful poem to the willow tree. I'm excited to watch them grow!

We also had a great ritual to welcome Summer. Though I'm not very into the heat and getting tan, I always love the spring and summer time of year. The rituals are fun and light-hearted, but also very powerful. It's a time to celebrate strength and growth and the gathering of momentum toward change (or solidification). We created the sacred space by singing "You Are My Sunshine," and also sang chants celebrating the trees and the earth. We used colored balls to represent the Elements and had fun throwing them at each other to raise energy -- it did start getting a little similar to dodge ball. We also had pieces of colored paper cut in the shape of leaves on which we wrote blessings for our community. These were all put into a cardboard boat that will be sent down the creek near the land to carry our blessings out.

One of the things I love about our Summer's Arrival celebrations is that we also take time to identify those negative things in our lives that we want to remove. We do this using water balloons. We concentrate on what that negative thing is, whether it's a bad habit, an ailment, destructive relationship, etc., and push that energy into the balloon. Then, when ready, the balloon is smashed into the ground or crushed in our hands. It's a great way to feel some resolve and encouragement to change our lives and selves for the better.

My balloon represented procrastination and apathy. I allow too much of both to interfere with what I want to be doing.

After ritual was over, we all ate our potluck feast, and then started playing with fire! One of the ministers at the church does poi and other fire-spinning techniques, and always is willing to teach us and let us practice. Our priestess's son is also really good at the fire staff and he helps out a lot too. I've always been really shy to try them because I don't want people to see me mess up, but I decided that enough is enough last night and gave it a shot. I have a cousin who also spins poi, and my minister gave me a practice set to use at home, but I've never felt totally drawn to it. It takes a rhythm that feels really foreign to me. Instead, the more I watched, the more I wanted to try the staff, and when I finally did, it felt so right! 

A friend got this photo of me with the staff. I just couldn't stop laughing. 

I did feel awkward moving it around, but the more I got used to the weight, the better it felt and the more fun I had. I am definitely hooked now! I can't stop thinking about it. Over the coming weeks of the summer, I'm going to see what I can do about making a staff of my own so I can keep practicing. I'm keeping in mind that I made the promise to myself to not let procrastination continue to interfere with my life, so I want the fire staff to become a new project that I really dedicate myself to. It's also a good upper arm work-out, so there are more benefits than just being able to spin a burning stick!

I might not be the most summery of people, but I don't think any person can ignore that summer is a magical time of year. It's really come to represent friendship and community to me, and I'm so grateful to know all the people with whom I can celebrate the Sun and nature and Earth. And since the rest of the summer is going to be a lot of hard work for me (securing and internship, preparing for my last semester of college, etc.), it was great to have this day to spend with my church before joining in with the "real world." So, Happy Summer, Happy Festival Season -- I am looking forward to the Sun's blessings in the coming months!

The Unnecessary Threefold Law

I wanted to take some time to talk about rant all over the place about one of my personal positions for which I've received some pretty heavy criticism in the past. I know what follows might seem pretty ridiculous; I'm going to talk about a commonly-held belief that I don't think is grounded in nature or science, despite the fact that I practice witchcraft, I'm a polytheist, and believe in many things for which there is not really a scientific foundation. Having said that, I will try not to sound too inane, and  please keep in mind that I'm not singling out any person/group in particular, and that I'm not attempting to offend anyone either, including the authors I've cited. I welcome any feedback or explanations that can be given, but please do not tell me that you think I'm naïve or absurd or displaying arrogance and hubris. I've been told all of that before, I've had my share of mistakes, but I've also had a lot of success, and I arrived at the following (non)beliefs through years of personal practice and experience. Thank you for reading, and I hope there's a good point somewhere in all this.

✦  ✦  ✦

Karma. I can't do it, regarding any definition, but especially the basic American definition - for that concept, there is no room in my worldview. What I really have a problem with, and was actually one of the main theological issues that drove me away from Wicca, is the American version of karma (good things happen to people who do good, bad things happen to people who do bad) and further, the Threefold Law (the consequences of one's actions, whether good or bad, return to the actor three times over). The latter especially grinds my teeth, and is made even worse because so many Wiccans seem to believe in the Threefold Law in a literal sense. I've never once experienced any event that could be clearly attributed to karma. I don't see others experiencing such events either, though their own interpretation might be different. I don't see any evidence for karma, in particular the Threefold Law, in nature. And aren't our religions as Pagans and Neo-Pagans, most of us anyway, nature-based? Shouldn't those of us practicing nature-religion, as Wiccans are, take our laws for life from what is observable in nature, and not try to make man-made laws work within a natural concept that does not support them?

Sometimes I feel like I might be missing what the Threefold Law actually teaches. It's hard to know how watered-down the modern American Wiccan version is from what must have been in the original Gardnerian and other British Traditional teachings. I'm not against living as if the Law does happen in reality with the realization that it doesn't actually, but that isn't how it is taught or represented, at least in the literature. It is explained to be literally what is happening out in the universe every time an action is made:

• "This couplet outlines the belief that the energy attached to any good or bad action that a Wiccan performs will be revisited upon the practitioner threefold (also known as the Law of Return). The threefold attribution is specific to the practice of Wicca, but the general law of cosmic consequence to an action or behavior is not unique." -Arin Murphy-Hiscock, from Solitary Wicca for Life (2005), referring to the couplet concerning the Threefold Law in Lady Gwen Thompson's Wiccan Rede.
• "Karma is the Sanskrit term for the energy generated by our actions, particularly in relationship to future incarnations. Witches see it as an extension of the Law of Three: what you do will come back to you threefold. Seen from an ethical viewpoint, karma could mean that one who does 'good' acts get rewarded with good and one who performs 'bad' actions gets punished with bad events." -Christopher Penczak, from The Inner Temple of Witchcraft (2002).
• "We believe in the Threefold Law and its justice. This has to do with cause and effect. What this means is that every action taken and every deed performed - whether good or bad - is calculated by karma at triple value, then sent back to us." -Dorothy Morrison, from The Craft (2001).
• "Witches believe that you get your rewards and punishments during this lifetime, according to how you live it. Do good and you will get back good. But do evil and evil will return. More than that, though, it is a three-fold retribution. Do good and you will get back three times the good; do evil and you will receive three times the evil." -Raymond Buckland, from Buckland's Complete Book of Witchcraft (2002).

In the last quote, Buckland goes on to say it might not be literally threefold, but uses the example of getting punched in the eye. If you punch someone in the eye, you might not be punched back three times, but at some vague point in the future, you might break your leg, which is three times the punishment to being punched in the eye. That just sounds a little ridiculous to me.

Penczak might be onto something in his own work, and he is already known for looking at witchcraft and Wicca with somewhat scientific eyes. He explains the Threefold Law as the energy generated from action gathering inertia out in the universe before returning to the sender. He thinks the number three is arbitrary, but that the inertia of the sent energy is what accounts for the reward or punishment's increase. 

However, the worst, and the most commonly-observed in my opinion, is Morrison's outline of the Threefold Law in which karma is viewed as something conscious, or at least as a cosmic justice system. Karma calculates our actions and doles out rewards and punishments. I can't help but imagine a Dutch businessman in the 1500s sitting at a table with a scale, setting all the actions on one side, and adding enough weight to the other to be three times as heavy. Then giving his reward or punishment to some sort of karmic mailman with a Return to Sender stamp. I don't mean to poke fun at an ethical guideline that is so important to Wiccans, but it's the literalism by which it is upheld that just baffles me. 

Why is the existence of this mythical threefold return necessary as an ethical foundation? If you believe in no form of cosmic retribution, actions all still have consequences and its the avoidance or gain of negative or positive consequences that motivates our behavior. Receipt of pleasure and avoidance of pain is the system that already exists in nature. Wolf packs hunt and share food together, monkeys groom each other, parent birds protect their nests and offspring, vampire bats share blood meals with each other. Their rewards are health, bonding, survival. This non-karmic system of consequences is observable and effective, without having to try to figure out how to explain an unseen universal force (my Dutch businessman) deciding when and how each person will pay their karmic debts and cash out on their karmic rewards.

Karma isn't, and furthermore shouldn't, be needed to live by the Wiccan Rede: an' it harm none, do what ye will. We live in a causal universe. Actions have reactions, and we as humans interpret the quality of those reactions as good or bad. We can make decisions based on those consequences, whether predicting them or learning from previous experience. We can be good people, and harm none, because being so enriches our lives through friendship, overall positivity, love, and even the perhaps more baser expectation of reciprocal altruism. The Threefold Law is an unnecessary, unfounded ethical premise that, in my opinion, does nothing to actually enhance the practice of witchcraft or Wicca. If you engage in spell-crafting (or any other activity for that matter) without a clear head, a focused plan, and a careful consideration of the consequences, then you deserve what happens. And if you do take the time to consider all the possibilities, alternative solutions, and have a focused goal, then you also deserve the good that can come your way. But attributing such consequences -- whether they are good or bad -- to a cosmic justice system removes responsibility away from the practitioner and places it onto something invisible and ultimately unreachable. I fear that this lack of true responsibility can lead to misinformed, unreliable, and maybe even dangerous spell-crafting. (As a worst case scenario, of course.) It can cause a lack of growth of the practitioner because attributing every 'punishment' or 'reward' to a universal force that they have no way of controlling, instead of recognizing and admitting a mistake or a victory, prevents learning through self accountability.

That's why I call it the Unnecessary Threefold Law. I don't think it's bad, and I even think sometimes it could be nice if the good energy I send out could amplified back to me. But it isn't realistic. It isn't really logical. It isn't nature, and it isn't life.

✦  ✦  ✦

Tell me what you think in the comments. Do you agree with me? Disagree? Why?

If you believe in the Threefold Law, where and how do you see it happening?

Enjoying Exercise

I think one of the things that makes sticking to an exercise plan difficult is the feeling of obligation and the lack of excitement. But not at first -- I do it all the time. I'm completely committed for a week or two, waking up early, making time, doing cardio, weight-lifting, ab work outs, etc. Sometimes, I go over to the gym and use the machines there. Other times, I stay at home and do a P90X routine. Every day I look forward to that time I make for myself, but after those 10 days or so, my enthusiasm starts to wane because I'm not actually enjoying my workouts. They are something I've made room for by taking away a different activity that I do like. If you go about exercising in this way, you'll never have a sustainable daily practice. At least, that's what I believe.

So I've been trying something different. I'm taking activities that I already enjoy and don't put into the exercise/working out category and I'm upping them so that they are more physically challenging. But I'm still holding onto what the original activity entails so that I can keep having fun with it. For example:

I love walking Sól. I get to bond with my dog and see him having fun, I get to explore the neighborhood where I live. I get to enjoy nature, the nice breeze, and I always feel better when I come home from a walk because I've done something that makes me and my dog happy. So instead of giving up that time that I love, I can change it in order to get even more benefits. I increase my time to walking for at least 30 minutes, but if I can, to go for an hour. I walk at a faster pace, and I take routes that have more hills. When I have a little bit more money, I would like to get some ankle weights as well as a pedometer to track my distance. But besides these few changes, my walks with Sól are the same. It doesn't seem like much, but mentally it goes a long way in order to keep yourself enthusiastic about becoming and staying more active.

And just because it's exercise doesn't mean I can't bring my camera along to get a few shots of the things I appreciate while I'm walking around town:

My absolute favorite house in town. I've never seen a witchier-looking manor. This is a total dream house for me.

A beautiful park that is about 30 minutes on foot away from me.  It's a very relaxing area.

I love seeing him so smiley (even though it's hot outside!)

I feel like I'm in a storybook when I walk here.

This treasure exists on my street, only a few doors down. I'm pretty certain it's abandoned and I would love to get over there to do a photoshoot soon.

I like to think that after we get home and rest, he thinks about the great, long walk we just went on.

Keeping motivation alive can be really difficult. Being healthy and happy with yourself is a lifestyle change that requires commitment and sacrifice. It can be really hard to continue to make choices that work for your goals because we become so dependent upon routine. But I really believe that with some creativity, research, and dedication, we can make our breaks from routine fun, enjoyable, and events worth looking forward to. I'm practicing this method everyday, and some days, I truly feel like I'm getting close. 

It's that's time of year again . . .

Life is returning to the world -- the trees are budding, dandelions dot the grass in my yard, there are birds singing and collecting nest materials, every night I see rabbits, every morning is sunshine. Persephone has returned! It is spring!

AND THERE ARE WASPS EVERYWHERE.  E V E R Y W H E R E.

They slam in to my windows, their abdomens pulsing on the other side of the glass; they perch on my car, a daily scourge mocking me as I try to leave my house. They hover at the exits, black and yellow, deep red, deepest black and metallic harbingers of terror. Bastards.

I have spheksophobia, the fear of wasps (and hornets), and my fear is extreme. It is my only true phobia, but one that interferes with my life daily. I can say confidently that wasps and hornets are probably the number one reason why I hate summer and prefer the colder months. They are everywhere, and as the heat rises, they become more prolific. It is completely impossible to avoid them during the day in summer, and it's become even worse since I moved down south, where it is hot longer than it is cold.

I was three or four years old the first time I was ever stung by a yellow jacket. We were visiting Florida and it was my first time seeing a nest. I was fascinated -- I had already developed a complete obsession with anything nature-related. I wasn't close to the nest, just watching from a distance, but I still provoked an aggressive response in one of the wasps, and I didn't understand what I had done.

Since then, I've been stung three more times, but all of them by honeybees -- once on my arm, and twice on the bottoms of my feet (I run around barefoot a lot and still do today). And I'll clarify here: while bees make me nervous, I can gather enough strength to tolerate them. I don't want them right up in my face, but I can handle them flying around a few feet away. If I can see a wasp and am  aware of them being there, I can't be in that area, whatsoever.

A few days ago, I was doing my dishes and looked up to see a black wasp sitting on the kitchen window above my head. A sight like that reduces me to complete flight mode. I wanted to be able to just grab a shoe and squash it, but I physically cannot make myself get that close to a wasp. It was 8:15 in the morning, I had to get ready for class, but I could not do anything knowing that wasp was sitting there. I called Clint, and he woke up and came over to help me. He squashed the wasp with his bare hand!! I was screeching like an old lady, just terrified. I've felt like wasps are crawling on me since seeing that one inside.

That isn't the first time Clint has witnessed my fear of wasps either. One time last summer, we were parked at a gas station. It was hot, we had the windows down, and I was sitting in the passenger seat of his Jeep. A wasp flew up to the window, right in front of my face, I could hear its wings beating. I hardly have a memory of what happened next -- it was a primal response, no thinking or cognition at all. Somehow, despite having my seatbelt on, I was able to slide out of it into the backseat, launching myself as far away from that wasp as I could. Clint didn't even know what was happening (neither did people outside of the car). I just remember yelling to roll up all the windows, and I couldn't calm down for several minutes.

Another time many years ago, I was at a barbecue. There were yellow jackets all over -- in the soda cans, flying around cake and other food. I ended up jumping in the pool with all of my clothes on, staying under the water as long as I could, to get away from the wasps.

Even last week, I was at the bank and when I came back out into the parking lot, there were yellow jackets flying around my car. I ended up walking all the way around to the back of my car, got in through the back seat and climbed to the front seat to avoid having to go near the wasps.

Furthermore, the past couple of days up till now, it's even becoming hard for me to go out on the deck to water my plants because of the wasps. And the cicada killer wasps haven't even arrived -- have you SEEN those things?!

By the way, this is a male, the small one. Females can be larger than 2 inches long. Image found here.

I first encountered them when I moved into my current house last summer. The males are very territorial and fly at anything that moves. They hang out on the railings of my deck and I just can't go out there. Everyday it gets warmer and warmer, and I dread the coming months. My phobia has really made me a prisoner during the summer. I've even been late to class before because I can't get into my car if there is a wasp sitting on the windshield.

And I'm not just plagued during the day by actual, living wasps. I have nightmares about them too, the most recent being a wasp that followed me around my house, stinging my back. I couldn't get away from it and it was trapped under my shirt. I've had other nightmares where I'm locked in a room full of swarming wasps and hornets, all different sizes.

How I hate this phobia...but it's really impossible to overcome. People say just be calm, keep your heart rate low, just ignore them and they'll ignore you. It really isn't that simple. I'm not just nervous about them, or I don't like them, or whatever -- I am absolutely terrified, as well as humiliated. And this fear humbles me as well. It has to, especially when both friends and total strangers have seen me run screaming in public, when fellow classmates have seen me leave the classroom because there's a wasp on the ceiling and the professor is saying it's not a big deal. I try so hard to control this fear, but it's a futile effort. The worst is when people tell me that I shouldn't be fearing any part of Nature, that I should respect it but not fear it. Especially when Pagans say this to me! It's infuriating. And this phobia is disrupting my life and preventing me from doing a lot of the things I want to be doing.

It makes me feel a lot of shame as well. I've spoken to people before who have had terrible wasp experiences, things like stepping on a rotten log housing a hive and being attacked by that entire hive simultaneously. Hornets flying up shirts and stinging people repeatedly. I haven't had these experiences, yet I'm more terrified of them than any other person I've met. I don't think I have the strength it requires to ever control this fear, and I really think I'm missing out on so much because of it. It is beautiful outside right now, warm but with a cooling breeze, a little cloud cover so the sun isn't so intense. Birds everywhere. But I can see the wasps, flying around my windows, landing on my deck. And I remain stuck inside. I'm always stuck inside.

"Someday's Garden" Is Growing

Sometimes when you look at the light coming from the East in the early morning, you can tell that everything will be alright in the coming day. I felt like that this morning when I looked out into my backyard. The light was just perfect, and golden.

And it has been a good day so far! Best of all, the Bleeding Hearts bulb I ordered from my professor arrived. It was sitting on my desk waiting for me when I got to lab today. Bleeding Hearts are one of my absolute favorite flowers (and I'm a goth at heart, so it makes sense)! They are supposed to be very strong, hardy plants so I hope so badly that they will grow. I got a big, black, square container to house them this afternoon.

It makes me very anxious thinking about them growing, because so far, there isn't a peep coming from the Harlequin Flowers and Persian Buttercups I planted on April 2nd. Those bulbs are guaranteed to grow, but the pots sit there looking no differently than when I first filled them. I'm crossing my fingers that I didn't do something terribly wrong, (black thumb, black thumb, black thumb...) and it's scaring me even a little bit more because my African Marigolds are looking very sad. They aren't as wilty as they were a few days ago, so I think the huge thunderstorm we had helped a lot, but they aren't looking great. I've read on several gardening sites that one of the most common causes of death in container plants is over-watering, but now I wonder if I've been under-watering. It seems so hard to find the balance sometimes.

But I can't spend too much time worrying about it, because I also made another addition to my collection today: Basil, finally!! I eat so much Basil and it gets expensive. It's one of my favorite herbs and it's a rare meal I cook that doesn't have something to do with Basil in some way. I've been wanting to grow my own for ages, but I've been too afraid to start from seed. Today I found a plant that already appears well-established, so hopefully I can continue to increase the growth and for the first time, provide food for myself that I grew myself. It might not be a big deal, just a little Basil plant, but it's so important to me.

My other plants, the Philodendron and the Jaguar Daisy are doing very well though. As you can see above, Betty had two sister flowers open up. I'm very happy about that, they are bringing so much beauty to my deck.

Philodendron is a plant that prefers shade to sun, so when/if my Bleeding Hearts grow, they and Phil' will be moved to my front porch where the light is less intense. 

I've always heard that talking to plants is great for their health. I try to spend a little bit of time doing that each day. When I let Sól out in the yard in the morning, (if the bees and wasps aren't already flying around -- I'm scared insane of them), I like to take my coffee out and just tell them about positive things. I think I remember seeing a Mythbusters episode once about talking to plants, but I can't remember if they were able to show any results. I'll have to look into whether other studies have been done showing this to have a positive effect on plant growth. Maybe it's weird, but I think would talk to them either way. I also talk to the surrounding environment, the birds, the insects, the universe, the land spirits, to whomever, and ask them to bless my little container garden. It's quickly becoming a passion of mine; I want so badly to succeed in this endeavor. 

A Walk in the Woods

Clint and I took Sól (my Standard Poodle) out in the woods with us yesterday afternoon. Puppy loved it!

Friends walking together.

For all the things I dislike about Kentucky, I love the landscape.

Sól got filthy in the snow melt mud. I can't wait to shave him down...

Happy Moon Day; have a great week!