How I Must Take Myself Back

I've really started letting myself go, in the way overwhelmed, 40-something mothers do, before they cut all their hair off, becoming shapeless grey blobs of sweatsuits and birkenstocks. That's exactly how I feel.

I didn't think that would start to happen until my mid-30's or 40's, not my mid-20's. I feel incredibly old and immature at the same time. There are so many things I want to do, that are right there within reach, but I procrastinate everything. I'm lazy and sluggish, and up until the last few weeks, I've been indifferent as well. Getting by on knowledge and daydreams rather than action. It's really pathetic of me.

It may seem as if I'm having a pity party over here, but there's a difference between low self esteem and being realistic about how one has given up on oneself. For example : Though I wear yoga pants most days I'm not wearing scrubs, I only go occasionally now, despite having more time and more studios to visit. I used to go to yoga at least three times a week, sometimes two classes a day. Now I'm lucky if I make it to even two classes a month.

I used to be a health-food fiend, strict vegetarian, spending hours on shopping trips reading every label, cooking 3 or more meals at home each day, never touching bread or rice that was bleached, never eating frozen dinners, fast food of any kind wasn't even on my radar. Now, I drink soda, I cook more with my microwave than I do with my stove. Though I stopped eating vegetarian for other reasons, I've also completely slacked off on my Mediterranean (low glycemic index) diet. I haven't been to the farmers market in months.

And because of that, I'm gaining weight. I'm around 127-128 pounds, almost 20 pounds heavier than I've ever been before, none of it in muscle weight. I've stopped exercising, I've stopped hiking, I've stopped biking. I barely have enough energy to take my dog for a decent walk each day. Two years ago, I was doing P90X, I was going to the gym almost everyday, at least every other. When I see how out of shape I've become so quickly, it makes me feel defeated, which makes me feel indifferent.

I used to read obsessively, finishing 2-3 new books each month. I carried books everywhere, and turned their pages every chance I got a moment. It was one of the most important daily activities I had. And I still read now, but so much else has taken priority over it. My poor books gather dust faster than my eyes get to see their words. I'm still reading the same novel I was a month and a half ago. I haven't even gotten close to starting all the new ones I wanted to by now.

I used to have a dedicated spiritual practice. I spent a lot of time studying different texts, practicing new and old techniques, meditating, speaking to the Earth, experiencing Nature and Paganism in different ways. I do have to say that my church is one of the only things today that can get me awakened, energized, excited, interested. But it's so often now that I don't bring back home the things I learn there. My private life now is pretty empty, and it feels pretty meaningless. I'm fucking sick of it.

I want my life back, my sense of self, my whole self back. My identity has become that of a depressed, lonely, boring shell. I've not even started any of the 2013 resolutions I wrote for myself on January 1st. I said 2013 was my year, but I haven't yet accomplished one thing other than excuses and being afraid. I'm beyond wanting everything to change, and waiting for that to happen. I've been living passively and isolated, and it's bullshit. I'm glad I feel angry at myself for allowing all of this to happen. I wasn't ever angry about it before, just sad. Sadness doesn't motivate anything, it hinders and distracts and eventually cripples. But isn't it so easy to give into sadness? That's the real insanity of my own life right now. Up until this point, I've been content with being sad. How ridiculous is that?

There are so many things I want to accomplish, and so many changes that need to be made, ones I will have to force myself to embrace. Ones that I used to live out naturally that now seem so impossible. It's like I've forgotten how to be healthy and positive, somewhere, somehow, I fell out of rhythm and convinced myself that none of my old lifestyle mattered, because everything was stressful or chaotic. I've been less passionate than a zombie toward everything lately, and it is stopping now. I'm reaching in, and grabbing my mind or my soul or my higher self or whatever it is that we have, I'm grabbing it by the throat, slapping its face, demanding it to Wake Up, and possess me.

Dawn was so beautiful this morning. I won't keep wasting dawns like today's with hours that I throw away burying myself under negativity, irritation, and indifference. I am taking myself back, and I will not hold back to do so. No more laziness, or self-loathing, or self-sabotage. I no longer have patience for it in my mind or room for it in my heart. No one should ever let their self go.

Beginning "Someday's Garden"

Yesterday evening, I finally got started on a project I've been researching and planning since January -- the container garden on my deck. I'm only just beginning and I have a long way to go, but it's amazing how much of a difference such a tiny addition of plants makes to a space.

My friend Lauren and I went to Lowe's yesterday to get some supplies. I ended up choosing the African Marigold (Tagetes erecta) and the Jaguar Gerbera Daisy (Gerbera jamesonii) that were already grown, and I got bulbs for Harlequin Flowers (Sparaxis tricolor) and Persian Buttercups (Ranunculus asiaticus) to plant myself. I'm also still waiting for my delivery of Bleeding Hearts from my professor, and I need to get my Philodendron transferred to a new pot.

Lauren has named this one "Betty," and I think it works!

I really hope the bulbs I planted will grow well. I'm so determined to lose my black thumb forever. Sitting outside in the spring air, working on digging and arranging, with the smell of the soil and the sounds of the birds everywhere, it's totally cathartic. Gardening is such a healing, relaxing activity and I'd feel so sad if all my efforts don't provide anything. I have many more plans for my new container garden than just flowers; I really want this to be a way to save money and live more honestly.

And I think I've got my current list decided on the harvestable plants I'd like to grow. Tomatoes obviously do very well in containers, and I've read some blogs lately detailing growing cucumbers in containers. I didn't think that would be possible, but it even seems to be pretty simple. In addition to those, I'd like to set up basil, rosemary, lavender, thyme, mint, sage, and parsley. I'm also thinking about chives, but I don't cook with them often so I'm not sure how much it would be worth it, though their flowers are beautiful. I'm afraid to start any of these from seed however; I've just had terrible luck in the past. So hopefully soon, Lauren and I can visit the University greenhouses and see if they are selling any that have already started growing. 

I've also been looking a lot on Pinterest for ideas on what types of markers I want to put in all my containers. There are lots of cute ideas like spoons with etching, little carved sticks, clothespins, etc. I think I would want to make them little painted rocks, or maybe something out of tin. I'll have to see if I can find a good source for reclaimed wood or maybe little trinkets I can modify from the Peddler's Mall. There are lots of creative opportunities.

It's really fulfilling to me that I've started doing this, especially when the plans began a while ago. It's hard for me to stay focused on projects, but this is something I've wanted to do for a while, even though it's just been hanging out in the back of my head for years. I got a huge new kick of inspiration from a fellow church member at Ostara. He blessed all the seeds and plants that were brought to ritual, and asked how many of us are practicing self sufficiency or considering small changes in that direction, whether through gardening, animal husbandry, etc. I think I am a part of that world -- I work on farm animals sometimes and help out where I can -- but I need to be so much more involved in it.

I think it's so important that Pagans be involved in outdoor activities, and interaction with plants. They are the best way to be in touch with the Earth, and they give so much living energy to everything, from just bringing some cheery color to our spaces, to added power in our magical practices (I'm using plants more often than I ever have in my witchcraft), to food for our bodies, and oxygen for our lungs. After having spent last evening and some time this morning with my new flowers, I find it shocking that there are so many Pagans out there, myself included, who aren't doing any kind of gardening work regularly, and I'm going to change that, at least for myself. There is way too much wisdom in flora that can be learned just by spending with them -- the kind of things you can't describe or even speak about at all. It's intuition, and compassion, and magic. 

So stay tuned for more updates on my containers. I also need to ask my landlord if I can plant in the front yard. There is a gorgeous, small section where flowers can be planted along my walkway, so I'll have to find out if I'll be allowed. I'm sure I will be writing a lot about my experience with this new activity, as it is already changing my life. As I'm writing this right now, I can look out the window and see my new flowers on the deck, catching the light and giving me color. It's so nice to be able to look up and just watch them for a while. It feels like a new little family, and I can't wait for it to grow larger.

G r a t i t u d e + S u n d a y

Joining Taryn at Wooly Moss Roots for Gratitude Sunday, and my list this week is all about Friends.

This week, I am grateful for:

* -- the flowers Clint brought me. I love having flowers in a vase on the dining table to look at (and I can't wait to start growing my own, so I can make my own arrangements! I will start sometime this week!)

* -- Clint picking up some soup for me at the store while I had an upset stomach today. Soup helps everything. It's my favorite meal.

* -- a friend from class helping out a friend from my church. She needs a new home for one of her roosters and the problem might have been solved. I'll have to get an update from them.

* -- my friend Lauren also bringing things over earlier when I was more sick! Including vitamins, freezer pops, and clementines. I juiced the clementines with some grapefruit, apple, and carrot.

* -- my friend KZ from New York and her girlfriend visiting! It's the second time that Katie has visited me in Kentucky, and we had so much fun! Great times with margaritas, arguments about Spike and Angel, pink lipstick, and temporary tattoos! It was wonderful; one of these times she must stay longer for more than just one night. It's never enough. I hope she and Becky have fun in Memphis this evening.

* -- something that hasn't technically happened yet, and won't for another 45 minutes, but: my friends letting me watch the Game of Thrones premiere at their house. I've been reading the ASoIaF books since 2004 or so, and I like the show a lot. I can't afford HBO or even cable at all, so between my friends letting me watch with them and my dad letting me use his HBO Go subscription, I think I will be covered to watch!

* -- lastly, being a friend to myself. When I was feeling a lot sicker earlier, I drew a hot bath and made some bath "tea" -- just simple cheesecloth and whatever herbs you want to use. I did lavender and chamomile for relaxation. It's important to be friendly to yourself.

Juicing!

I'm so exhausted, I can't even believe it. But there are sources of energy, even if for a few moments by yourself : fruit! and juicing that fruit!

This is my juicer. She hasn't yet been named.

Can you spot Sól's nose?

I only began juicing maybe two or three months ago. I bought this one on clearance for $24, and I've been experimenting since then. I've found the more simpler recipes to suit me better, like above: nothing but strawberries, grapes, and an apple. The first time I ever juiced, I was throwing carrots, grapefruits, ginger, apples, grapes, tomatoes -- all kinds of things in there. I've since learned a bit about restraint, the "less is more" rule. Something I love about juicing though, and it kind of reminds me of photography in this way, is that every time you do it, you learn more and fine tune your abilities, or at least your intuition. Maybe that's the fruit rush talking.

I put the strawberries in first. I so wish that I could transmit the amazing smell over the internet. The whole kitchen filled with it instantly. I put the grapes in next, and finished with the apple. One of my favorite things about apples is the little pentagram inside.

Sól wanted to check out the apples too! He's a very curious dog and loves to be involved in anything that I'm doing.

Can you tell I haven't fixed my clippers yet?

Beautiful juice! I'm always completely in love with the colors of the finished juice. There is no way a camera could ever accurately show them. My strawgrapple was a gorgeous, rich, dark, salmon color.

So good! 

Don't look at the bags under my eyes!!

If you haven't ever tried juicing, do it!! It is sososo much better than any juice you will get from concentrate. I haven't drank store-bought juice since I bought my juicer.

Even before I bought my juicer, I was considering and toying with the idea of someday doing a juice fast. I've heard many wonderful and many terrible experiences with it. I know that at this point in my life, my body could never handle the commitment. And no, I haven't yet watched Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead (2010), but I plan to do so, as I continue to research the idea. I've always believed that fasting is an important spiritual practice, and as I strive for a deeper spiritual discipline, I've been thinking of ways to incorporate fasting such that it will be safe and complementary to my current high-stress lifestyle. At the moment though, I really feel it's something I need to procrastinate.

For any readers who stop by, do you have any experience with juicing and/or juice fasting? Or know any good blogs on the subject? I'm always looking for personal accounts about such topics. Happy juicing!

G r a t i t u d e + S u n d a y

In my continued effort to be more positive and work toward self improvement, I'm joining Taryn at Wooly Moss Roots for Gratitude Sunday. In her words: "Sunday's heartfelt tradition. A time to slow down, to reflect, to be grateful. A list of gratitudes."

This week, I am grateful for:

* -- Spring Break! I know last week I was worried it would mess me up, and I know by now that it has totally thrown off my schedule, but wow, it was needed. I had time with my pets, time to read, and time to do some photography and writing.

* -- all the time I had to clean. I don't know how people keep their houses clean everyday. Between school and work, it's basically impossible to keep my place looking like a person lives there and not a herd of pigs. I try to clean at least one room or space each day, but sometimes I'm just too exhausted. At least I got to catch up a little bit.

* -- that I haven't yet figured out how to fix my clippers. At first, this was making me so angry: I removed the blade to clean out the little pieces of Sól's hair (he's a big dog, it takes a while to shave his whole body). But now I can't figure out how to get the blade back on. However, it's gotten so cold again -- snow, in Kentucky, in late March...! At least Sól still has all of his leg hair attached so hopefully he isn't too too cold when we go outside.

* -- getting to video-chat with my best friend, Sean! I know he reads this and his head swells every time he sees his name. I like contributing to his future cerebral explosion.

* -- a friend telling me about where she buys her henna hair dye. I've tried different henna dyes in the past, even Lush's, and they've never worked for me; the Lush brand even fried my hair like box dye! Her hair always looks amazing and she was nice enough to tell me her source. She also gave me lots of good tips that help protect her hair from drying. I hope I'll be able to afford some henna soon.

* -- exciting plans made with an old friend from NYC. I'm sure there will be more said about this next week. It will be her second time visiting me in Kentucky!

* -- my dad sending me an old charger from his computer. It seems to work fine in mine, so that saves me around $80 replacing the one I broke, if the prices are still the same from 4-5 years ago.

* -- my dog for being incredibly silly and sweet. There were a lot of laughs this week at his antics, and even more so because he looks pretty funny with poofy, curly legs and a shaved body. It is one of the best things waking up with him snuggling in bed (or sometimes standing above me, gently wagging his tail, wanting to go outside).

* -- finally finding chicory coffee in Kentucky!! (I could go on with exclamation points). I found out that the local Kroger now carries Luzianne brand chicory coffee from New Orleans. I seriously cannot wait to wake up every morning now! So many memories are tied to that taste, and a little piece of me gets to walk down La Rue Chartres with each sip. I can't wait for the next time I go to back to NOLA, and it's exciting because I have no idea yet when that will be.

* -- my church. We celebrated Ostara (the Spring Equinox) yesterday. I love being able to see them and wish I lived closer! I won the scavenger hunt, got a promising message about my plans for container gardening from my egg divination, and got to spend time with lots of great friends. I took lots of photos, but haven't had a lot of time to go through them all, so I will definitely write more about that in a few days.

* -- Clint being able to help me with the cost of getting out to the Ostara celebration yesterday. I only had enough money for gas, so I couldn't afford our food contribution for the potluck dinner. I would have felt terrible showing up without food, so I'm so glad that he agreed to pay for the food if I paid for the gas and drove.

* -- being able to take home some rhododendron from my church's seed exchange. I've never grown it before, but they all assured me it would do well in containers. I'm going to start researching it and I really hope I can afford some flower pots and soil soon. I know it's going to be getting hot quickly, so I'd love to get some plants started on the deck. I want to have a fruitful year, literally!

(Update : it's not rhododendron, but philodendron. Can't you tell how black my thumbs are...)

♥ Spring Blessings ♥

The Hands' Descendent

Left behind.

Picked up.

Observed.

Prayed over.

Questioned.

Institutionalized.

Visited.

Entertained.

Fed meals.

Enjoyed company.

Spread disease.

Exercised.

Given a name.

Forgiven.

+ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . +

Quick photoshoot I did today on my deck -- it was colder than I realized outside! I was going to remove my tattoo from the photo, but once I started that, it just got more and more involved and I didn't want to spend two hours just on that. I'm lazy.

I was thinking about a lot of things when I made this, but it was inspired overall by the movie The Sound of My Voice (2011). I rented it as soon as it came out, after seeing trailers for it months earlier. My first time viewing, I didn't really like it at all and was disappointed. But I kept thinking about it, decided to watch it again, and now I'm on my way to loving it (that happens a lot; I really need to open my mind)..

Vultures

Do you know why vultures eat corpses?

They're scavengers, they're lazy.

Some people think so.

What do you think?

Vultures were once people, lost people who stayed lost. The fog swallowed them.

That's only a story. Lost people are just people.

No, it's the Gods' honest truth! After it rains and the fog descends, all the missing people lose control. They scream and cry out. They are overtaken by a paralysis and their arms grow feathers.

Listen to you. Where did you hear all this?

Mr. Lester told me! He swears it. He told me his sister went missing once, but it was muddy and he could follow her footprints. He saw her fall in the field and roll, her clothes were filthy and he couldn't see her face. She was screaming and the birds everywhe--

You shouldn't take Mr. Lester seriously. His sister left for the City. He's been mad with grief ever since.

No, she didn't leave for the City! If she did, how come no one's heard from her? She doesn't write or visit.

You've never met her. She left before you could walk. How would you know she hasn't written?

Because Mr. Lester isn't the only one who talks about her, and she isn't the only one who's gone to the City and never come back. No one ever comes back from the City. How do we even know there is a City? Have you ever been there?

Of course not, but that doesn't mean there isn't a City. You've never been to the Well with me, but the Well is still there.

Just listen! Mr. Lester said her arms flew back like they were pulled, her face grew long and her screams were terrible. He said it's the worse thing he's ever heard or seen. He said she started to turn black all over and the air grew cold. The wind changed direction and the vultures came from nowhere, sitting in the trees and watching like they knew her!

Vultures don't know people. Vultures are just large, lazy scavengers. They clean up the messes from the other animals. They let everything else do the work and then they leave. Don't let the stories of an old man fool you.

He isn't fooling me. We only see vultures in the village when someone goes missing, or 'goes to the City.' They're only here when it's foggy. Do you ever remember seeing them when the Sun is out?

No, I don't, but I don't concern myself with the movements of vultures. You shouldn't either. Look, you're sweating and working yourself up.

You don't believe me.

You're speaking of ridiculous things, the raving of a lonely man who has no family left. Vultures aren't people. I don't want you seeing Mr. Lester anymore.

But I like Mr. Lester. He needs someone to believe him. He saw these things happen, the Gods' honest truth!

He didn't see anything. I don't want you seeing him, I don't want him filling your head with his crazy stories. You shouldn't be so gullible.

♫ When the fogs roll in, the night is dark,

And the animals quiet, even the lark.

When the light is blocked by all the clouds,

Not even the priests will speak aloud.

That is when the lost are called,

One by one, alone, they fall,

And a lonely brother can see her there,

She goes away, he knows not where.

She joins the others in the sky,

To feast on corpses when the fog rolls by.

We don't believe the legends of the Wood,

But it's the Gods' honest truth that we should. ♫